Year in Review...Believe

Once again, it has been quiet around these pages.  This is not for lack of things to say, but rather my hesitation in saying anything at all.  A lot has transpired over the course of the last 12 months and while change is not always "easy" it is always necessary if we want to continue to grow.

I started this year like I do any other year - a shiny, hopeful outlook.  There is something magical about the date on the calendar that says January 1 that makes me feel as if the possibilities are endless that lay ahead.  A few years ago, I stopped writing resolutions and instead starting choosing a one word theme of what I would like to work on.  There are many things that I would like to work on to improve myself and sometimes it is hard to pick ONE, but the one I choose is what I would most like to work on/get better at/achieve.

Last year, my word was Believe.   Funny thing (looking back now) I didn't know how big of a part this word would actually play role in my future decisions.  Hind sight being 20/20, here are a few of the things I learned...

• Led a team of professionals (inexperienced in our business) and continued operations as normal

 I learned to believe in my own abilities as a professional.  Having knowledge and being able to do a job can be easy if you don't have to think about it, or even be responsible for it, but when it either will succeed or won't because of your actions, it takes on a completely different meaning.

• Stepped out of my comfort zone and changed career focus

I learned to believe in myself and to accept change for the necessity that it is.  There are forces at work bigger than we are and we are not always given the insight or ability to understand them when facing challenges.

• Packed my home and my family and moved...far far away. 

 I learned "When people show you who they are, believe them."  People are complex beings in words, but actions are so profound and sometimes you just have to open your eyes to be amazed.

 This year, I took a leap of faith because I wanted different results.  It has not been easy and there are days I have cursed the word "change," but I have grown and I know I am a better person.  I have learned about myself things I never saw before and I have learned about others, things I never wanted or expected to see.  I have hurt, I have cried and I have laughed and felt my soul soar on the wings of tomorrow.

As this year comes to a close, I know my journey is far from over - I can feel it in my bones, but rather just beginning.  I am looking forward with eye's wide open to what the future holds and wishing you each a bright and better tomorrow.

The View...

...From here is a little bit different than the one yesterday and probably still not quite what it will be tomorrow.  That's the thing about "your view" - it is seen through your eyes and colored by your perceptions.  In business, just as in life, the longer we do something the better at it we become because we gain knowledge.  We learn to expect the unexpected and prepare for the unpredictable.  We expand our mind, our beliefs, our perceptions and in turn, our view changes.

I talk about business on here...specifically, my business and how I relate to it, but reality is that this is just my life....my view of life from where I'm at today.  I've been many places and I've been fortunate enough to see many aspects of business.  I've had good mentors and I've had bad mentors...all of which have brought me to this point right now.  The view from here is kind of hazy.  I have limited visibility and even though I know it won't stay like this for long, I am at a critical point in my journey that leads me to wonder if it is time for a change.

Yes, when I started this space I was going through a change that had my mind, heart and soul in knots.  I didn't know if what I was doing was right or wrong, should I trust or should I question. I simply just.did.not.know.  Today though, I don't worry about those things...I am just ready for what lies ahead and I feel content with the excitement that I don't know what is over the next horizon should I choose to head down the path less traveled.  The knots in my stomach these days come from what I can see and from what I believe lies ahead in the path I am currently traveling.

I believe it is time for a change...I believe I am ready and I am believing in myself, my instinct, my heart and my soul...that what comes next is only the beginning of the great things yet to come.  Where it will lead - I do not know.  All I know is that *this* is the window to my room with a view.

Believe

There is something to be said about writing when the emotions are real and raw and have yet to be dulled by time.  In the business world, those emotions can get you into trouble and more and more companies are trying to monitor social networks or create policies to prohibit usage of social network sites because people are letting their emotions run wild.  Personally, I've always had the motto of "Don't put it in print, if you wouldn't say it to a persons face" and that has always served me well.

Yes, there have been moments that I have had to take a step back, count to ten and sleep on it before I ever opened my mouth....but sometimes there are the moments when something happens and in the process of sorting through it, figuring it out, accepting whatever it is...the honesty in those emotions are humbling.

Today was one of those days for me.  Change - chaos - sudden and unexpected, meant to throw the tilt-a-whirl off balance once again, wondering if I should stand up or just sit here a little longer.  An opportunity to try something new, different and a place to grow.  That is exciting.  I have ranted and stomped my feet, I've thrown a fit, I've shouted at the world in frustration because I felt invisible and I felt like there was no progress being made.  I've made baby steps and those felt like every ounce of aggrevation were worth it when you see a project start to come together or you see a lightbulb light up with understanding.  I held on to those moments because that was all I had, until today.

Today, I was offered an opportunity to step outside my comfort zone, to see a different view and learn...I was chosen for a part I didn't even know I was auditioning for.  It is an incredible feeling to know someone noticed me and those who see me everyday, who know I exist, those people now sit and worry I will be no more....I hate the later feeling.  I am thrilled by the prospect of something new and yet frightened by the fact that I could fail miserably and be deemed a fraud by my previous successes.  As much as I am humbled by the confidence they believe me to have....there is a loyalty to the current group that I feel obligated to support.

No one can make this decision for me and there will always be pros and cons to any choice.  Perhaps it is time to put my 2012 word to the test and BELIEVE in myself.

Letting Go

Sometimes moving on means being strong enough to let go.

At this moment in time, those words couldn't be any truer for me because I feel like I am the only one left holding on to a sinking ship while everyone else plans their escape route.  Is this really a sinking ship....No.  Is anyone planning their escape route...debatable.  The point is that words and emotions and perception are swirling in my head and I am caught in the current of what I feel and what I can logically explain to myself.

For months I have been buckled into the rollercoaster of change, quietly reminding myself that it was "safe" with every dip, loop and sudden sharp turn because I had the safety bar pulled snugly across my lap.  Everytime fear would creep into my thoughts I would tell myself that if I just held on a little longer, the ride would come to a complete stop and I would exit carefully to my right, look back and smile because I did it....survived what felt like a death defying act, but would look more like a kiddie ride when I was firmly planted on the ground.

Instead, here I am fighting the urge to throw in the towel, to say "I give up...." and prepare for my next move while feeling like quiting is cowards way out and "just a little further...." will turn everything around.  No, I don't want to give up, but when is enough finally enough?  I sat aggrevated today over training.  The thing that got me to reconsider was a friend who said "Why are you mad, you have every opportunity...What do you want to do?"

Ok, truth is that made my blood boil more, but sometimes the truth does that to a person.  Sometimes we need a reality slap in the face to help us open our eyes and look around.  For me...that was it.  My friend was right, the opportunities were there, every rebuttal I tried to come up with all pointed to the same thing...the opportunity was there, I just did not take it.  It was my choice, not to take them because I believed what I was doing was what I was supposed to be doing.  I thought I needed to be there, to hold on when everyone else was giving up, to keep it together, to somehow keep everything going when it all felt like it was coming apart.  The thing is ... no one asked me to hold anything together, I just believed it needed to be done and was putting in all the effort I had to make it work.

I never did reply beyond a few written and erased lines of text because in that moment I knew what I wanted...I didn't want to let go of what had been before all the changes had started taking place.  The question I couldn't answer, however, was would it really be so bad if it all came crashing down?  Sometimes in life we have to rip out the entire page instead of erase, or tear it all down to start over.  Sometimes what matters more to the structure is the foundation it is all built on and as long as that is solid, whatever is built on it  will withstand whatever comes its way.

Today, I considered letting go because I believe there is hope for what is yet to be built.